Lesson 8 — Calm Down and Talk It Through

Summary

Learners practice a simple step-by-step way to calm down and talk through a conflict without hurting anyone: stop and breathe, name the feeling, say what you need, listen to the other, and find a fair solve. This is the unit’s core peace skill, taught as guided practice — the learner has seen each piece, and now walks the whole path.

Objectives

• Use a simple step-by-step way to calm down and talk through a conflict without hurting anyone. (D09.S4.03.01)

Connection

Think of a time your body got hot and your voice got loud in a conflict — you wanted to grab, yell, or cry. In that moment, words alone don’t work; the body has to calm down first. There is a simple path that works everywhere: stop and breathe, name the feeling, say what you need, listen to the other person, and find a fair solve. People everywhere do some form of this — a deep breath before answering, two neighbors talking it out instead of shouting, friends saying “I felt… I need…” until they find a way. Today you will practice the whole path, step by step.

Materials

• A “calm down and talk” step strip (stop and breathe, name the feeling, say what you need, listen to the other, find a fair solve)
• Two puppets or soft toys
• Crayons and paper

Preparation

• Prepare the five-step strip, each step with a simple icon.
• Set up a small space for acting out; have the calm anchor (a stone or leaf) ready.

Facilitator note

Written to the learner (“you”). This lesson teaches self-regulation + conflict talk as one skill, not two. The order matters and is the point: the body must calm before the words can land, so Step 1 is always stop and breathe — never “just calm down” as a scolding, but a real, practiced breath (slow in through the nose, slower out through the mouth). Breathing is one way, not the only way: any slow calm that works counts — pressing feet to the floor, holding the calm anchor, or counting slowly — so a learner with breathing, sensory, or trauma-related difficulty never has to force a breath. Model the full five steps as a worked example, then let learners rehearse in pairs with a small, invented, blame-free conflict. The “I feel… I need…” words carry the blame-free move from Grade 2 forward — no one is “bad”; each side names a feeling and a need, and the pair finds a solve that works for both. A learner who does not speak aloud points to each step on the strip or signs; a learner who is deaf or hard of hearing follows the steps through sign and the strip; a learner who is blind or low-vision hears each step described and names what comes next; a learner with a motor difference can direct a partner or hold the calm anchor. A learner may always pass. The aim is that every learner can say, in their own way, “I can calm down and talk it through.”

Procedure

1. Gather (5 min). Think of a conflict where your body got hot first. What did you do — and what could you have done instead?
2. Meet the five steps (10 min). Learn the path: (1) stop and breathe — slow in, slower out; (2) name the feeling — “I feel…”; (3) say what you need — “I need…”; (4) listen to the other — hear their feeling and need; (5) find a fair solve — a way that works for both.
3. Watch it modeled (10 min). Watch (or act) one whole path: two puppets want the same ball. They breathe, name feelings, say needs, listen, and find a fair solve (take turns). Name each step as it happens.
4. Rehearse it (15 min). In a pair, choose a small acted conflict and walk the five steps. Take turns being each side. A learner who does not speak aloud points to the steps or directs a partner.
5. Close (5 min). You can calm your body and talk it through — step by step — so no one gets hurt and both sides are heard.

Differentiation

• Support: Practice just the first two steps (stop and breathe, name the feeling) with the calm anchor; a non-speaking learner points to each step as the pair does it; a learner with limited movement directs a partner.
• Extension: Invite learners to try a second conflict where the first fair solve does not work and the pair must loop back to listening to find a new one — and wonder why listening is the step that unlocks the solve.

Assessment

• Formative (observation): Can the learner use the step-by-step way to calm down and talk through a conflict without hurting anyone?
• Performance (portfolio): The role-played path through the five steps, with the steps noted (or drawn or photographed), kept as a portfolio artifact.

Home connection

At home, teach someone the five steps: breathe, name the feeling, say the need, listen, find a fair solve. Try them the next time a small conflict comes up.

Resources

• CASEL SEL Framework (self-management and relationship skills): https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/
• Slow-breathing as a calm-down tool is widely supported; see the “box breathing” and related practices taught in many schools and clinics, simplified here for children.