Lesson 8 — Active Listening and “I” Statements

Summary

Learners practice the two moves that turn a disagreement into a fair talk: active listening (facing the speaker, hearing, and reflecting back) and “I” statements (“I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I need ___.”). Saying “I” instead of “you” names feelings without blame, so both people stay heard. This deepens Grade 3’s “calm down and talk it through” into the two named skills.

Objectives

• Practice active listening and “I” statements to solve a disagreement fairly. (D09.S4.04.01)

Connection

When two people disagree, the words can turn into a blame match — “you always,” “you never” — and no one ends up heard. There are two tools that change this. First, an “I” statement: “I feel ___ when ___ because ___,” which names your own feeling without pointing at the other person. Second, active listening: facing the speaker, really hearing them, and reflecting it back — “I hear that you feel ___.” Saying “I” instead of “you,” and listening before answering, is how people everywhere turn a fight into a talk — two neighbors over a fence, two friends over a ball, two caregivers over a plan. Today you will practice both moves, so you can solve a disagreement fairly.

Materials

• “I statement” frame cards (“I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I need ___.”)
• Disagreement role-play cards (two friends want the same ball; one was interrupted; a borrowed pencil came back broken)
• Two puppets or soft toys

Preparation

• Prepare the “I statement” and “active listening” frame cards.
• Prepare a few small, invented, blame-free disagreement cards.

Facilitator note

Written to the learner (“you”). This is a skill lesson, so teach it with a worked example and guided practice (Kirschner, Sweller & Clark, 2006): model the exchange with puppets once, then have learners rehearse in pairs before any independent use. Name the two moves clearly: “I” statement (I feel ___ when ___ because ___; I need ___.) and active listening (face the speaker, hear them, reflect back “I hear that you feel ___”). Emphasize that “I” statements name feelings and needs, not blame — they are not a magic script, and sometimes the first try is clumsy; practice makes them real. Use only invented, gentle disagreements; never have learners role-play a real, live conflict in the class (that could embarrass someone). A learner who does not speak aloud fills the frame by pointing to feeling-word cards or signing; a learner who is deaf or hard of hearing follows the frames through sign and the cards; a learner who is blind or low-vision hears the frames read and practices aloud; a learner with a motor difference can direct a partner or use a communication aid. A learner may always pass. The goal is a learner who can, in their own way, say “I feel ___” and then listen — the two halves of a fair talk.

Procedure

1. Gather and remember (5 min). Last time you finished a shared project as a team. What helped you work together? Today we practice a skill teams need when they disagree.
2. Meet the two moves (10 min). Watch the puppets. First, an “I” statement: “I feel ___ when ___ because ___. I need ___.” It names my feeling, not blame. Then active listening: face the speaker, hear them, and reflect — “I hear that you feel ___.” No interrupting, no “but you…”
3. Guided practice (15 min). Pick a disagreement card. One partner speaks the “I” statement; the other listens and reflects. Then switch roles. Try all the frame lines, even if it feels a little silly at first.
4. Try your own (10 min). With a partner, invent a small, safe disagreement and run the whole exchange: “I feel…”, “I hear that you feel…”, then talk out a fair fix. If speaking is not your way, fill the frame by pointing to feeling words or sign.
5. Close (5 min). “I” instead of “you” names feelings without blame. Listening before answering keeps both people heard. That is how a disagreement becomes a fair talk.

Differentiation

• Support: Practice one line at a time with a partner and a single feeling word (sad, mad, left out); a non-speaking learner points to feeling-word cards; a learner with limited movement directs a partner.
• Extension: Invite learners to add the fair-fix step (“so what can we both do?”) and practice a full three-turn exchange.

Assessment

• Formative (observation): Can the learner use an “I” statement and active listening (reflect back) in a practiced disagreement?
• Performance: The modeled or role-played exchange, observed for both moves.

Home connection

Tonight, if a small disagreement comes up at home, try one “I” statement (“I feel ___ when ___”) and listen to the other person’s turn before answering. Notice what changes.

Resources

• CASEL SEL Framework (self-management and relationship skills): https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/
• Active listening and “I” statements are core to nonviolent communication and conflict-resolution teaching; see also the International Institute for Restorative Practices materials on listening circles.